Manual da Pousada (rough draft)
In my travels in northern Brasil, I have observed that there is a consistency to what is offered at most (not all, but most) pousadas that cater to the economy and Brazilian traveler. No matter where you go, the offerings are very similar.
Here then is what I imagine is the Brazilian Pousada Handbook, used by pousada owners to establish their services.
I - The Pousada
a) Ideally, you want to have the receptionist without a uniform to inspire a feeling of casual-ness and it's-your-friend-Denison-running-the-place feel. There is no need to have him or her speak any other language besides Portuguese.
b) The key should be a regular house key style, with a giant piece of wood carved into an endangered species animal such as a river dolphin or perhaps something more ambitious like a purse-sized wooden canoe. This discourages guests from wanting to put the key in their pocket unless they plan to be in a seedy neighborhood where the wooden part can be used as a weapon.
c) There is no need for an architect to assist with the planning of the spaces in your pousada. A series of concrete hutches is the theme, designed by you and constructed in the most simple and basic form, with the occasional extravagant design flourish like perhaps a gilded mirror over the urinal.
d) Signage should contain as many colors and fonts as will fit. If you can have your logo designed by a design student or a nephew who has Corel Draw, all the better. Remember to include photos on any banners or signs of pink dolphins, monkeys or toucans as these are reminders to potential guests of the fact that they are in Brasil and these animals are what they came to see, even if said animals are in a cage or on a rope behind the pousada.
e) Landscaping should be kept to a minimum. Ideally, you will cut down all the local vegetation, insert plenty of cement and concrete and then plant some coconut palms. This gives the illusion of modernity and tropicality at the same time. And it's easier to sweep.
II - The Room
a) The room should be full of beds. This is very important. The more beds you can cram into a room, the more attractive it looks for potential visitors since the more people they can fit in a room, the cheaper it is for each participant. This tip is also applicable to airbnb, as the many photos online will prove.
b) The bed should a double bed, surrounded by several single beds (see above) arranged in a way to permit some movement around each one, without sacrificing too much space to said movement. Remember having as many beds as possible is of utmost importance.
c) Pillows should be small, extremely soft or extremely hard, depending on your budget, and scarce. One pillow per potential guest.
d) There should be one cover sheet only for sleepers to cover themselves with. The idea is that you are in a tropical, warm environment and shouldn't need anything else. The fact that the room is air conditioned to a meat locker chill factor somehow doesn't change this arrangement.
e) Air conditioners could be mini-splits, but it is preferable to have the giant all-in-one unit built into the wall. This creates more rumble for your real. Temperatures should be set at 16 degrees Celsius to ensure an absolutely frigid environment.
f) Each room must have a small fridge. There is of course nothing actually in the fridge, but it's there for frugal travelers to put their Itaipavas and Brahmas and Schins so that they are nice and cold at any given moment. The compressor clicking on and off at night should be loud enough to wake guests up and remind them of their beer.
III - The Bathroom
a) There should be no pressure system; rather, water should be provided via a gravity system with a tank on the roof, thereby resulting in a pleasing dribble that might or might not be sufficient to remove soap lather from one's body.
b) Hot water should be provided by an electric unit attached to the shower head, creating both on demand warm (never really hot) water and the potential for a massive electrical shock as one stands barefoot in the dribble adjusting the level of desired 'heat'.
c) Soap and other amenities, should you wish to provide them, should be of the most basic variety, since guests only want to steal them anyway. The smaller the bar of soap and the more difficult to open the plastic wrapper, the better.
d) Toilets will have the hose nearby to clean your nether regions to ensure a clean butt crack into which you will insert your nearly invisible string bikini bottom. This is much more hygienic than only toilet paper.
e) Speaking of toilet paper, all such paper waste must be deposited into a small trash bin with a lid that doesn't open unless you touch it, thereby ensuring the potential transmission of bacteria to your hands. The trash bin - and the toilet paper holder - should be placed in such a way that the user needs to be a Cirque de Soleil contortionist in order to use them.
IV - The Breakfast
All pousadas include a breakfast, and there are rules governing what is offered and how to display these offerings. A general room of thumb is that everything should be soft; chewy at the most. The texture is important and there should be nothing crunchy as the idea is to appeal to even small children and elderly guests, two market segments that may not have teeth.
a) Fruit - there should be three types of fruit, usually pineapple, papaya and watermelon OR banana. Not four: choose from these to get three only. No need to remove seeds from papaya, just cut into large slices and serve. Same for pineapple and watermelon. Bananas can be simply placed on the plastic plate.
b) Bolo - there should be one or two bolos (dry cakes) offered. These are bought at the bakery and pre-sliced and are ideally served in the original plastic containers they came in.
c) Bread - there should be pan de forma (regular white bread) and french rolls.
d) Ham and Cheese - these items are also bought at the supermarket and there is no need to manipulate them further from their original packaging. Just open package and dump onto plate to display.
e) Plates - All serving plates for the above mentioned items should be of the most inexpensive variety, preferably in bright colors.
f) Tablecloths for displaying the breakfast should be polyester or plastic, to ensure easy cleaning.
g) Coffee should be in a thermos, hot milk in another thermos. Sometimes a third thermos is available with hot water, to which you can add some instant drink mix or perhaps a tea (cha) bag.
h) Hot items can be prepared but should be limited to tapioca or scrambled eggs. Do not entertain the idea of preparing eggs to the guests liking; this is a waste of time and energy. Everyone like scrambled eggs so keep it simple. Bacon, sausages or other gringo items are not to be offered; it's just a pain to prepare all that anyway.
i) Cooking staff for the breakfast should not speak any other language except Portuguese. This helps keep pesky requests for special items to a minimum. The staff should also be provided with a chair in the kitchen to sit in while they wait for the guests to serve themselves and rest between preparing tapiocas, eggs and checking their Instagram and Facebook accounts.
This is by no means a complete list of requirements and rules for running your pousada; it will however, give you some great tips to get started.